Saturday, December 30, 2006

No Preface Required

Me: "Thank you for calling gamestop, etc etc"
Caller: "Do you have a Playstation 360?"
Me: "No. There's no such thing. I have an XBOX360 and a Playstation 3."
Caller: "My son wants a Playstation 360. He's been wanting one all holiday season."
Me: "I'm sorry, but there's no such thing. We have both of the other systems like I said."
Caller: "There's an article about the Playstation 360 in IGN magazine."
Me: "...No, there's not. IGN is a website." /sigh "You may have read about both of the systems. There's articles everywhere about them."
Caller: "Can I talk to the Playstation Manager?"
Me: "No, no you can't. We don't have a Playstation Manager."
Caller: "Well I need to talk to someone in charge of Playstation."
Me: "Fine, here's the Sony phone number: *sony phone # here*"
Caller: "Ok, thanks. What's a WII?"
Me: "Wii is Nintendo's new console."
Caller: "I didn't ask who made it. I asked what it was."
Me: "...It's Nintendo's new console. That's what it is."
Caller: "I don't understand."
Me: "Ok...."
Caller: "Look, Nevermind. I'll try that phone number you gave me. They'll tell me."
Me: "Ok then! Good luck."
Caller: "O, If I buy a Playstation 3 and an XBOX 360, can I hook them together to make a Playstation 360?"
Me: "NO! NO YOU CAN'T! They are TWO SEPARATE things. They do not go together in any way at all."
Caller: "Ok. Bye." *click*

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

This is not your mother's tech-support

I sell video games and video game related crap. I do not work tech-support. There are lots of very good reasons for this, namely that I don't get paid enough. Just because the listing in the phone book has the word "game" in it, doesn't mean you can call me up with your bullshit problems. For instance:

Caller: "How do you get the hard drive off the 360?"
Me: "You push the button on the hard drive and pull it up. It's easy."
Caller: "There's no button."
Me: "Yes there is. I'm looking at a hard drive right now, and there's a button."
Caller: "What's the hard drive?"
Me: "...The silver protrusion on the top of the 360 that has HDD printed on it."
Caller: "I don't see it."
Me: "It's silver. It's RIGHT THERE. It has HDD on it."
Caller: "You're not helping. I'll just figure it out myself." *click*


You also can not call us if you don't have a question. We're not here just to have a conversation with you, unless we know you. Really, i swear, we don't care about what you just did in Halo, or that you got a new ps2.

Caller: "I bought a PS2 on december 11th."
Me: "OK."
Caller: "I have my receipt."
Me: "Ok..."
Caller: "I bought a warranty with it."
Me: "Is there anything wrong with it?"
Caller: "No."
Me: "Uh, ok. Did you have...a question, or something?"
Caller: "I bought a PS2."
Me: "Ok....can you hold?"
Me to Joe: "Joe, can you take Line 1?"


Apparently as soon as Christmas is officially over, everyone takes the last week of the year off to be a complete fuckstick. Please, for the love of all that is holy, STAY AT HOME AND DON'T CALL ANYONE. Just be an ass in front of your cat or something.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

BYOB (Bring Your Own Baby)

Because babies are delicious, and I'm not sharing my Baby-Q with you.

Tonight is Christmas Eve. And tomorrow, Christmas. Best day ever for many kids. I'm not even gonna pretend that Christmas as we celebrate it is a religious celebration, because we all know it isn't. It has a long history of being based on different religious celebrations, but I know that my family doesn't celebrate it for that reason. America has turned it into a CELEBRATION, and the hell with us needing a reason for it. Let it be known that although I'm certainly not christian, I celebrate christmas full-heartedly. It's a great reason to spend time with the people I love, and to give gifts, and i <3 giving gifts. Christmas now, since I live in the states now, is a very family oriented ordeal. Nearly all of my mom's immediate family lives in-state, and so we all commute to my grandmother's house and have a giant family christmas. It's fantastic. I missed out on all the family stuff for the years I was in the Caribbean, and although i've been back for almost 10 years now, I still rejoice in having family to celebrate with.

As a kid, I wouldn't have been able to tell you why Christmas was as awesome as it was. It was the best time in the world, and I had no idea why. It wasn't the presents, and it wasn't the religious stuff (b/c that didn't exist for me in the islands really). I think it was the magic of it all. The tree with the sparkly decorations, and the food (i used to make mom make sugar cookies so we could decorate them), and the cards that we were allowed to decorate with glitter. And best of all, there was the whole Santa Clause mystery. I could never figure that guy out. Why did he come deliver presents? I finally figured it was just magic. It was all figurative; like santa didn't really drive to everyone's house. He just teleported presents to everyone. One minute they weren't there, and then BAM! presents. Then I found out santa wasn't real, and that broke my heart. Such is a child's life.
Since coming back to the states, I've seen a lot of christmases in a lot of different places and houses. The pine trees, the wreaths, electric candles in the windows, icicle lights in the hope that one day NC will get snow... I understand now why my grandparents were horrified that mom had decided to raise me and nathan in the caribbean. Everything fits here into some sort of order. You do certain things, and things happen in a definite way. On St. John...

In the islands, we don't have pine trees. Christmas-tree quality evergreens are imported and cost a fortune. True islanders get their own christmas trees. Year after year, we eagerly awaited the day when we would all load into the back of the jeep and set off into the hills in search of our perfect tree. Tree here is not an accurate word, since what we were really looking for was a flowering dead stalk from a yucca called a Century Plant. These are tall (upwards of 7 feet) dry branchy stalks with clusters of seed pods. They look NOTHING like anything you've ever seen. After we spotted the perfect Christmas Stalk, we'd pull over on the side of the road, the menfolk would grab their machetes, and we'd bushwhack our way up the mountainside, and then hack it down. Returning victorious to the jeep, we'd strap it to the top with hi-tech bungi cords, and drive home in high spirits. Once home, we'd set up the Christmas Stalk and festoon it with christmas ornaments and garlands and lights.
Christmas morning found us opening presents under the Stalk, running around half-naked with our new toys, and then heading to the beach for a swim in the afternoon.

Tomorrow morning will find me inevitably cold, tired, and on the road to Jackson NC. If you've never been to Jackson, you're better off that way. But my family will be there, and no matter what, I love them. It will be a great day. But, just between you and me, I'd rather be opening presents under a Stalk, and then swimming in the ocean.

Happy Holidays!!!!!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Ho, Ho, Ho and a bottle of Rum.

Tonight is the winter solstice/Yule. Tonight, the Goddess gives birth to the sun God, and the frozen slumber of winter begins its reversal. Tonight is the longest night of the entire year, where darkness reigns supreme and all the world trembles, anxiously awaiting the sunrise. Tonight is a night for celebration; for warmth, and worship, and lifted voices. Tonight, Night Owls, is the night to wallow in your blessed darkness, to praise the moon and the stars and sing songs about their holy faces. For the Day Lovers, tonight is the night to praise the sun, to burn fires all night long in His memory, and to welcome His arrival in the morning with open arms and smiles.

Solstices are times of rampant magic, or organized magic, wherever your affinities lie. Today, I can feel the power building around me, in the earth and the sky and the wind. It will be a beautiful night, full of wonders and glory untold.

Light a candle for the Sun God tonight, and rejoice in his return. Winter is half-over!!! YEY!


In other news, today I lost my voice. Not completely, but I don't want to talk because it hurts so much, so I'm going with "it's gone". Several other things happened today, and I can't figure them into a cohesive story-line, so i'm just gonna say them. Crazy Mary at the drug store was ringing me up, and she says "So tonight we all dance naked in the streets for the solstice, right?" and I was like "Mary, i think it's a little cold to dance naked. I'm not against it mind you, but it's pretty cold outside at night." She was still up for it though, so if you're out on the streets tonight, beware of old nekkid ladies. Ewwwww.
For the first time in my 3 years of working horrible terrible retail, one of my customers gave me a christmas present! *shocked noises here* Yup, Mr. Rubenstein gave me $50 in a christmas card for being such a nice and wonderful and helpful and beautiful and...i'm running out of praise for myself. Anyway, he gave me monies!!! and I like monies. Moreover, I feel loved. That's a nice fuzzy feeling.
There was something else, but it's gone. /shrug.

I'm gonna go do pagan stuff, voicelessly apparently. Tears.

Merry Solstice, and Blessed Be.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Huggling my feets

here begins the dreaded Week Before Christmas. I will have approximately 0 hours of free time this week. The magic 8-ball answered my "will i get all my christmas shopping done?" with "signs point to no". So here's an I'm Sorry for anyone who actually reads this, since I probably won't post here till after the holidays. Kisses, hugs, and stuff.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Trans-Siberian Splitting Headache


Hey look, it's me, and my extremely messy apartment (mental note: clean something). I couldn't find white fishnets anywhere. Even my failsafe, Hot Topic, has failed me. But I found purple and black ones, and they go swimmingly with this dress, which is now called sexiest dress ever. Its all silky smooth. Feels like I'm wearing lingerie in public, which is hawt sauce. <3>
Me and mom went to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra show tonight. At the risk of sounding like a 12 year old...the show was like totally awesome, and omgwtf FANFUCKINTASTIC!!! There were a lot of strobe lights though, and consequently my brain is about to explode. Go go advil to my rescue.
Story time: about 2 months ago, my mom calls me up and goes "Hey sarah, wanna go see the Nutcracker with your aunt and your grandma?" I say "uh....no?" And she's like "Well...wanna see the trans-siberian orchestra instead?" "Heck yes!" So, she's supposed to get the tickets, and then we'll go on the 14th. Brilliant plan, except for the fact that I forgot she's MY MOTHER, and she's...wait, that should be enough to explain. Turns out that, about 2 weeks ago, me and mom are out at dinner, and i say something about how excited I am about getting to see the TSO. Mom's like "uh-huh, me too" and realizes she has totally forgotten and doesn't have tickets. Being my mother, she can't just admit she fucked up. So mom goes on this huge ordeal which she would be happy to tell you about in detail but that just annoys me so i won't recount it here, and she gets the last two tickets in the place, which aren't next to each other. They're in the same section, but not the same row. I know nothing of this sordid plot against my enjoyment...until tonight, when we have just ENTERED THE BUILDING, and mom's like "I need to tell you something". My response: "I'm going to kill you after the show. Rip off your head with my teeth. Rawr." Sooo, we take our seats, show starts, and we're not next to each other. However, half way through the show, the people next to mom leave...so I got to climb down stadium seating in my fishnets and combat boots. It was all pretty exciting, but, someone remind me that my mother is a flake the next time I forget.
The show was fantastic. The music is incredible, and the special effects were unparalleled (except by the Blue Man Group, which I stick by still). And it's now past midnight, and I work a double tomorrow. I'm gonna go crash in a bed or a chair or the floor...whichever I make it to first.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

My Mother is a Fish

If you don't recognize that quote, you're fired.

So today was one of those weird days where waking up takes a real fucking long time, and when I do wake up, I don't have a very firm grasp on reality, and then I'm just weird for the rest of the day. Had to keep reminding myself that I was in public, and should probably pay attention to what the hell I was doing. One of those days where the fabric of social conventions is worn so thin, there were actually moments where I seriously considered saying "screw it" and doing just that. Here's hoping tomorrow will make a little more sense, and find me a little more on top of things.

I stopped having my crazy dreams. Wait, that should be in caps. My Crazy Dreams. They are a genre all their own. The crazy hectic flash image dreams have been replaced by slow paced ones that seem to span eons. Last night's epic was about a flood. In highschool, I had 2 best friends. I was in love with one of them for several years. So in my dream, I was with one of them, and I was in love with her....but it was the wrong friend, and that was so damn confusing, that the rest of the dream weirdness paled beside it. At one point I was battling alien octopuses for control of a boat. That was actually kind of cool, and I think I had some pretty cool fighting moves. Maybe this is a sign I should learn martial arts. I would be sooo bad ass.

Tomorrow I'm going out with mom to some musiccccc. I'm excited. Going out is always fun. But, since I'm off, the plan is to borrow le car in the morning so I can go run errands. This is the list so far:
-bank
-sweet sugary breakfast joy
-get schedule
-fishnets or lacey stockings, either or.
-red & green hair dye
-presents for shaun and joe (maybe)
-deliver books to bobby
-laundry
-grocery shopping, for real food, which will never ever happen. i'll just get cookies, i know it. i fail real life.

This list makes me tired. I apparently mailed Shane's xmas card to Christina, which is really fucking confusing. How did this happen. >.< In the words of Empire Records, "What's with today today???" I'm gonna go to bed, dream some crazy shiznit, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow, I wake up in the right world.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Anomaly

A very dear friend of mine has repeatedly expressed interest in my religious beliefs. He has yet to actually ask me. Perhaps he lacks the courage to do so, which is understandable. Sometimes I think I lack the courage to answer. It is easier, I find, to record the naked truths of the soul in writing. My plan was to sort it all out and force it into a semblance of sense, and then record it here so he could read it. I've been writing it out and rewriting it for several days, and for once, I can't put something in writing. I just can't. It doesn't make any sense, or it makes too much sense, or something. But I'm giving up. So, if he wants to know, he'll ask me. Or, maybe I'll just turn it around and ask HIM the same question.

The definition for Anomaly in Webster's dictionary is "something anomalous". I kid you not.

I'm on the search for white fishnet stockings, and apparently my mall is too classy to carry such things. They have nude fishnets though. Why in the name of all that is holy would someone want nude fishnets??? Wtf is the point of nude fishnets? Really now. I almost asked the sales-lady, but she was giving my multicolored knee-high socks a nasty look, and i wussed out.

I have an advanced reader's copy of the new Christopher Moore book. It's called You Suck: A Love Story. It's hilarious. It's coined a new phrase for me already, and that's "a new level of doomed".

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
-The Management

Monday, December 11, 2006

Man Law

I'm currently working on another lengthy masterpiece of a post. In the meantime, here's what happened tonight: i worked with Shaun, who i adore completely, but who is absolutely crazy. So, for some light amusement, here's a snippet of conversation that occured. A scheduling issue came up, and I was contemplating how to fix it.

Shaun: If the A-Squad is here, there's no need for me.
Me: Who's the A-Squad?
Shaun: You and Matt.
Me: But you're working already anyway.
Shaun: I'm like the marines.
Me: What are you talking about?
Shaun: I'm the first to fight.
Me: Fight WHAT?
Shaun: Fight customers.
Me: ...................

I don't think me and Shaun live in the same realm of existence.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Croff Calendars

I despise sundays, almost as much as i despise mayonaise, raisins, and their ilk. Sadly, I am forced to experience a sunday once every calendar week. Worst of all, I usually find myself having to work on this horrible day, at one job or another. If I were a super-something, sundays would be my nemeses. If I were Queen, I would have sunday stricken from the calendar. We would just skip straight to monday, sunday's almost-as-horrible cousin. Or, wait...IDEA! I'd make a day named after me! Queenday. I like it. I'm a genius. Someone give me a damn crown so I can start making royal decrees!

On a slightly more lucid note...I have a Word Of The Day!!! Crepuscular. This gem popped up in a book I'm currently reading, and I think it should be used more often. Here's what it means:

1. Of, pertaining to, or resembling twilight; dim; indistinct.
2. Zoology. appearing or active in the twilight, as certain bats and insects.

Bonus points for every time you can correctly use Crepuscular in a sentence this week! Winner gets a cookie and a gold star!!

I have a 12.5 hour day to look forward to tomorrow. Tears for me. Maybe I'll find something exciting to spice up the day. I'm thinking bubbles maybe. Bubbles always make me happy.

Another downside of having almost completely all male friends: I wanna go shopping for christmas gifts, but I don't have any girlfriends to go with. Depressing.

Okie, going to go fill my night with Lumines.
Peace out.
-The Management

Friday, December 8, 2006

Doilies in D Minor

Part I

(or, loving the crazy person in your life)

So, you love a crazy person. Be it in a heterosexual, homosexual, platonic, filial, or parental manner, you love someone who won't fit in the "normal" category, no matter how hard you (or they) try. For the sake of brutal honesty, we'll just refer to them as "crazy" for now. Most likely society has branded them as such at some point anyway, and they know it. Please understand, crazy is not derogatory in this sense. In fact, we'll use it as a term of endearment.
The scientific schools of psychiatry and psychology are excellent at filing all the crazy people into little illnesses; locking them into finitely labeled boxes of psychoses, disorders, and tendencies. For the most part, we're going to ignore that. Do not look at your crazy loved one as an ADHD Case, or a Severe Depressive, or a Borderline Personality. This is a person, a mind, an entity the same as you or me in the rights of their existence, and above all, you love them. You are their friend/parent/sibling/lover/child, and NOT their case worker, doctor, or critic. They have those already.
It is important to understand that your crazy person (or CP, for short) is different from you in a multitude of ways. This should seem obvious, but take a moment to rethink it anyway. They didn't start off the same as you, and become irrevocably changed by some freak accident. They have always been different. Because of this, you may not understand them near as well as you believe you do. Go ahead and ask them about themselves, and what you don't understand. This may seem invasive or rude to you, but it's only a question. If they don't answer, you haven't lost anything, and if they do, you could learn something important.
On that note, don't assume they adhere or are even aware of the unspoken rules of etiquette, personal space, or social interaction that you live by. They're different, remember? What you take for granted may be something the CP has never contemplated. If something they do makes you uncomfortable, explain it and ask them to stop. Anger or insult should not be your first response. You love them, they deserve the benefit of the doubt. And, if you are uncomfortable with something they do, maybe the feel the same way about something you do.
One of the most common, and uncomfortable, hurdles with crazy folk is intensity of emotions. Perhaps they are quick to tears, or prone to bursts of anger. Maybe they express joy in an exagerrated manner, or they lock themselves away and show no emotion at all. It is all a matter of equivalency, really. If you have a loved one who bursts into tears every time they are sad, it doesn't mean that every sorrow is a tragedy. Their normal response to being sad may be bouts of weeping, whereas yours may be some frowns and a pensive look. Same emotion, just different responses. Pay attention and learn how the CP in your life expresses emotion. Acceptance and understanding are all that is usually required to make things easier. The exception being if their reactions put themselves or others in immediate danger.
In the event of someone who poses harm to other people, there is no safe option but to involve an intermediary authority. A violent or abusive person, no matter how much you love them, needs to change. Call the police, go to anger management classes with them, DO SOMETHING.
In the event that someone is a danger to themself, it is not so cut and dry. Most people are a danger to themselves in a general manner. What we're talking about now falls into the category of "bodily harm". There are a number of ways to handle these sorts of situations. Each one is tricky, and particular to circumstance. The most important thing to know, and the bottom line, is this: it is ENTIRELY within a person's rights of living to do as they wish to their body, or to take their own life. It is also ENTIRELY within your rights, as someone who loves them, to fight them and/or stop them, by whatever means. If you are entirely sane and normal, and have never entertained thoughts of self-harm or suicide, you need to understand that a suicidal person is not merely "sad". A suicidal person is in pain. It is a very real pain, and the basic train of thought is this: "if I die, I'll stop hurting, and i will never hurt again. If I don't die, my future holds the possibility of nothing but pain, forever and ever." You may not be able to understand this, and that is OK. It is still real. And, if you stop a suicidal person from killing themself, they may not be grateful. Look at it this way: they sought to stop hurting forever, and you forced them to stay in pain. Be prepared for what will follow. (I am NOT advocating allowing people to die. I am simply telling the truth as I've seen it.) To help stop suicidal thoughts from going too far, love the person in question. They have no reason to live (in their mind) and actual reasons to die. Show them you care; talk to them, tell them you love them, take them out to a movie or shopping or whatever. Just care. If it is truly a life or death situation, don't hesitate to call the police or a hospital. Your loved one may resent it, but unless you're a doctor, you need people with medical qualifications to save a life. And just FYI, the police will do "wellness checks" through 911 if you have reason to believe your loved one is dying, and you can't reach them.
If someone you love has actually killed themself, understand that they did not leave you because you failed in some way. It was their decision, and not your fault. I recommend that you talk with the other people they left behind, and find healing together.

Depression. I see you've heard the term. It's waved around everywhere these days, almost as much as ADD. Depression is being sad. It comes in varying degrees, and this may change depending on person and situation. You can be depressed over getting a bad grade, or dinging your car door. This may make you sad for a day or so, but you'll get over it, and life goes on. On the flip side, you could wake up one day to a world significantly suckier than the one you went to sleep in, and sink into a bout of depression that lasts for months. Depression is, really, a matter of degree. Basically depressed people are very sad. The more severe the depression, the sadder they are. You know what is to be sad (since you're human), and you know what you do to cheer someone up. So I'll just go into detail for a quick bit, and move on. The most important thing to understand about depression is that the deeper the depression, the more distorted the thought patterns. A severely depressed person doesn't know you love them. They don't know they have a bright future, or that they do a good job. They KNOW that everything is horrible, that they are a bad person, the world hates them, etc. In bad cases, you may not be able to convince them that you love them until they come out of it and get better. Don't argue the fact unless you know arguing will help them. A severely depressed person will make the slightest bit of anger, frustration, or pain into an assault on themselves. Sometimes you won't be able to make it right. The most you can do is love them and know that when they get better, they'll love you too, and they'll know that you didn't leave them when they were down. Living with a depressed person is hard. Remember that they aren't sad because of you (unless they are, in which case you know it). If depression turns into something worse, such as suicidal tendencies, don't be afraid to resort to a doctor.
You live in the same world as your crazy loved one. You breathe the same air, know the same people, do the same things on rare occasions. But you do not inhabit the same reality. Everyone's reality is different. Science can prove to us that the real world we all live in is truly the same for everyone. But perception defines the reality we inhabit, and you may find that sometimes the defining perceptions are ones you can't abide by. Here, it's time for a serious judgement call that I can't help you with. For instance, there are some types of craziness that require medications to live in the "real world" as defined by society. Severe paranoia and schizophrenia are some examples. If you know a schizophrenic, you may understand already what I mean. Schizos perceive the world in a completely different manner than most people do. And while it's ok for them to see things the rest of us can't, there's a limit as to what is acceptable in society and what flat out isn't. As open as you want to believe the world is today, a person who converses with things that the majority can not see will find a whole world full of shut doors and hatred and prejudice. You may find yourself in a battle to get your loved one medical attention that they don't think they need, and I can't give you any words of wisdom on that. I can, however, tell you that it is important not to inflict your reality on them more than is necessary. Tell them that you don't see what they see, and explain to them that most people don't see it either, but don't tell them it doesn't exist. Existence is very subjective, and if they see it, in the same way they see you, it exists for them. Destroying someone's reality will never endear you to anyone, and should be avoided at all costs.

A few general things:
-never refer to your CP as "insane". Insane is a legal term, so unless they've committed a crime and are in trial for it, it does NOT apply, and is only hurtful.
-"crazy" people are different, but that does not make them any less human. They are worth exactly as much as you and everyone else, and should be afforded all of the same rights and respect. I realize that this writing refers to them as if they are some outside entity, but that is because it's how they are treated by the world. I know; I'm one of them.
-love is the most important thing in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. (As manly as you want to be, you know it to be true; don't lie to yourself.) Love your crazy friends and family, and they'll love you for it. It's the most important thing you can do for someone.

To be continued in Part II (or, how to go crazy in a sane world!)

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Thank you for calling Gamestop, where we do NOT have any Wiis. This is Princess, how may i assist you?

I like making cookies. It's true. In fact, I like baking in general. Anything that involves copious amounts of sugar and chocolate is fantastic in my book. Plus, I get to lick the spoon. And the beaters, and the bowls...I definitely like baking a lot more than I like eating baked goods. It's sort of an anti-climactic thing for me, because I make something awesome, and then it just sits here and stares at me for months until I give up and throw it away. On a related note, one of my birthday cake remnants is STILL ensconced in my fridge. I think it resides there as monarch...I'm afraid to touch it for fear it has enlisted the expired eggs and milk as bodyguards. Best to just leave the fridge alone, for now, I do believe.

So Yule/Winter Solstice is approaching. It's the 21st of this month, two thursdays from tomorrow. I'm way excited about this Yule since this winter categorically blows, and I will be thrilled to celebrate its turning point. Unfortunately, since it's cold as hell outside, I will be forced to celebrate it indoors, which seems kind of ... boring. And, since none of my friends here celebrate my holidays, I'll be forced to celebrate it ALONE. Tears.

On the topic of lone-ness, I broke up with Ed. I'm not going to discuss it except to say that it happened, and I still care about him very much, and please do not comment on it on here.

This year hasn't exactly been very *insert good adjectives here* for me. Methinks it's time for a real vacation. I'm thinking I'll hit carnival on St. John this year. Eat a lot of johnny cakes and patties, drink a lot of ting, and get tan as hell while swimming in the ocean. That sounds REALLY good to me. Maybe I won't even bother with bathing suits. Just hike to the secluded beaches and go skinny dipping all the time. Although that will probably lead to some horrible sunburns in all the wrong places, so maybe not. Maybe I'll even take both my weeks of vacation back to back!

Plans for tonight: shower, dishes, finish my S&M courtesan book, try to fix the laundry door that is laying in my kitchen floor, GET WARM.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

The Caped Enigma

Here we go, more writing done while at work. Just before you bother to scroll down, this is not a happy post, per se. This is simply a post, and if you want happy crazy fun time, wait till next time, and save yourself the ... trouble? wasted time? i dunno where that sentence was going. but, consider yourself duly warned of something dire!


And, go go real post:


Here I am, 22, unmatched, unmarried, a college dropout, childless, and ultimately alone. I have been abused, abandoned, beaten, deceived, cheated, lied to, stolen from, used, and tossed aside. I have trusted too much, and trusted too little. I have loved with every bit of myself; I have loved until I had nothing to offer, and I have loved more.
I regret that I have not been stronger in the past, and that I am not stronger now. With a mind as twisted and tortured as mine, I do my best to live as well as I can. Ruled by emotions, spurred to action by curious twists of fate, I walk the line between my personal madness and the real world.
I chose this life, and I know this. Everything that occurs is a result of my actions, but more concretely, I chose this door. In the throes of a life-stealing fever, I was given a choice: clean cold happy monotony, bitter and muted death, or this life of extremes. I chose this door myself, and though i bemoan my life at times, it is a grand rollercoaster of an adventure, and given the choice again, I would not change my decision.
I wish that I had not ordered the death of my child. Of all my regrets, that is the most poignant. My life would not be the same, but I would be a mother, and that is something I crave with every ounce of my being. One day I will be a mother truly, but the ghost of the child I lost will never leave me, and the black spot on my soul will never come clean.
This is my tribute to myself and to my Divinity and to the world at large; these meager words, a declaration of who I am. I am a broken creature, but I say I am broken in a whole way. If no one can love me for all of my pieces, I can still love them.


And....that's the end of that. Before i go to sleep, a few last minute things:
-hugs for matt and jen
-i'm apparently being stalked by my imaginary sister at work

Sweet dreams.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Signs point to "Maybe"

Human beings are each a conglomeration of pieces and parts, growing from one simple cell into a physical and mental complexity we dub a sentient entity. In our growth, we are akin to trees. As we grow, we lose things. Pieces are cut away, bruised, shocked into death or disappearance, frozen in development. And as a tree who has lost a branch, or a tree who is chained or chopped or lopped, we either grow around the loss or die from it. By this process we become the people we are; mysteries, great winding mazes of intelligence and physical experience. Herein lies the Individual, alone and One, locked away by walls of scar tissue into a fortress of Self. How do we communicate with others, Fortress to Fortress? Where is the common ground that can bypass the losses, the survivals, the broken growth?

Thursday, November 30, 2006

A Medal for Self-Control

"How many lives do you lead?" asks Bobby, a friend of mine since highschool.

How many lives do I lead? Perhaps the honest answer to that question is 1. And I value honesty above most everything else in life. But I would not say that the life I live is lived in an honest fashion. I myself am an honest person, and endeavor to lie as little as possible in this life. My life however is built around concealment. It is subversive, you might say. I simply do not reveal everything that exists, and the degree of said concealment depends on the situation.
And so the answer, the mean true answer, is many. I lead many lives, perhaps as many as there are hours in the day. I am used to this, this consistent fragmentation, and I am fairly skilled at keeping the balance. Lately though, I am lost. External influences have affected me in ways I can't control. My balanced hidden life is no longer balanced in any way, shape, or form. My moods are out of control, and I repeatedly come to the edge of that vast emptiness that threatens to consume me. I am lost truly if i fall into that chasm and I freeze in fear when it confronts me.
I am plagued with dreams that are not my norm. I sweat and toss at night, lost in desire for a man that is not my boyfriend. I am outside the realm of my experience, and I am drowning in confusion. I am so far gone I can not even reach my grounding self, my goddess self. I can't even feel the seasons of the earth. I only see the death and the icy grasp of winter, and wish it were summer. If only I could stand outside and feel the sunshine beat earthly wisdom into my soul. I miss dancing in the rain, the mud beneath my feet, the thunder pounding in my blood.
Answers are not forthcoming. These questions will wear themselves out in the sound and the fury of confusion, depression, and emptiness. Where will I be when the calm comes? There is always another side, a calm to match the storm. This time, how many souls will lie by the wayside, broken on the rocky shores of my madness, my unbalanced life? Will mine be one of them at last?


I wrote this earlier today, when I was depressed and haunted by dreams and sleeplessness. I am, as par for the course with me, in a different mood at this time, although it's all true anyway. I miss my home. If I could just jump into the smooth waters of the Caribbean, it would all be ok...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I see your blog is as big as mine...

Ah, the world of blogging on the intarweb. That delicate balance between not being candid enough, and being TOO honest. Can I walk that fine line between dry informality and the dark horrors of my inner self? Can I snare the mildly interested without making them run away in terror? Maybe. Would it be interesting to see someone run away from a blog (MY blog, most importantly) in terror? ... Maybe.

Wellllll, since I'm here, I should probably introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Sarah. That's a boring name though, so you can call me whatever you want to. I am partial to Jehnua, my favorite game handle, but really, you can call me anything you want to, so long as it's not terribly boring. Rule of thumb is, if it's MORE boring than Sarah, it's not acceptable.

A few things about me, NOT in order of importance:
-I'm really bad with punctuation, so expect it to disintegrate shortly. Who needs capitalization and periods, really?
-I like bad pick up lines, cats, books, and hugs. Any of those is a quick path to my heart. Do not abuse them, or I'll have to kill you, or edit this post. Up to you which outcome is worse.
-I currently work two retail jobs. This is widely regarded by everyone as a very stupid decision. I whole-heartedly agree.
-I'm going to have the bestest wedding in the whole wide world!!!!!!!!....soon as i find a groom.
-I say "heart" in actual conversation to describe loving something. No joke, this really happens.


Enough of that! Seriously, I lost my journal in moving. I moved around the corner, and lost something, because i'm very talented. I'm sure it's in a box somewhere, but there's a lot of boxes, and then i'd have to find a pen, so i decided this would be all-in-all easier for me. Sooo, this is going to take its place for the meantime. I suck at making regular visits to the intarweb though, so this won't last long, i'm sure. One last word of warning: If you expect this to make any sense, don't waste your time. I can promise you, sense is not something i'm renowned for making well, or at all, for that matter.

Onward, to my most recent rant. I hate the english language. It's stupid, and poorly put together, and I think we should revamp it. Go through it all bit by bit and kick out all the stupid grammar and spelling rules, for one. I before E except after C? why's there gotta be an exception? Just make it a RULE and be done with it, dammit! Really, have you ever looked at a grammar book? WTF is an intransitive verb? did you even KNOW that there's just plain transitive verbs? what happened to the verbs of our childhood, the innocence of our speech? And why must there be a gazillion (good number, btw) contributors to our language? Was that REALLY necessary? So the germanic peoples contributed to our peoples at some point in the past. Did they have to add their crazy words to our language?! And who made the decision to take latin words and make them ours. For instance, the other day, i was like "hey, let's look up the words Affluent and Effluent, and see what the difference is!". So i did. and what did i find, you may ask? Stripped to their bare essentials, here's where those words come from. Affluent comes from the latin words "ad" and "fluere". Effluent comes from the lattin words "ex" and "fluere". The difference being, "ad" means to or towards, and "ex" means out of, or from. Fluere means TO FLOW! so here we have Effluent, or "to flow from", and affluent, "to flow towards". IS THIS CRAZINESS NECESSARY?!? Let's just all speak latin, and be done with. The nuances of the latin language are completely lost in modern english. Or, better yet, let's all forget pre-existing languages, and forge a completely new one, free of ancient connotations and nouveau denotations. A clean slate. We'd need a name for this new language. I suggest Fwiggle. But maybe in all fairness we should vote on it. /Shrug.

Ed wants to be in my blog, so I'm going to mention something he does that I hate. He calls me his girl. He is currently upset that i will not retrograde myself and call him "my man". Owning a man sounds like a labor intensive prospect, and it's certainly not something I want to jump into without an owner's manual or something. I don't remember him purchasing me either. Is there a pink slip for me somewhere, hidden in a drawer maybe, under the discarded grocery lists and unused silverware?? I would pay to see the salesman that could convince someone to pay good money for as broken and eccentric a model as me. I must have been half off.

On that note, I'm going to leave now, and try to drain my hot water heat of all it's steaming goodness in one shower. It's fucking cold!!! Where's a warm body when I need one???