"How many lives do you lead?" asks Bobby, a friend of mine since highschool.
How many lives do I lead? Perhaps the honest answer to that question is 1. And I value honesty above most everything else in life. But I would not say that the life I live is lived in an honest fashion. I myself am an honest person, and endeavor to lie as little as possible in this life. My life however is built around concealment. It is subversive, you might say. I simply do not reveal everything that exists, and the degree of said concealment depends on the situation.
And so the answer, the mean true answer, is many. I lead many lives, perhaps as many as there are hours in the day. I am used to this, this consistent fragmentation, and I am fairly skilled at keeping the balance. Lately though, I am lost. External influences have affected me in ways I can't control. My balanced hidden life is no longer balanced in any way, shape, or form. My moods are out of control, and I repeatedly come to the edge of that vast emptiness that threatens to consume me. I am lost truly if i fall into that chasm and I freeze in fear when it confronts me.
I am plagued with dreams that are not my norm. I sweat and toss at night, lost in desire for a man that is not my boyfriend. I am outside the realm of my experience, and I am drowning in confusion. I am so far gone I can not even reach my grounding self, my goddess self. I can't even feel the seasons of the earth. I only see the death and the icy grasp of winter, and wish it were summer. If only I could stand outside and feel the sunshine beat earthly wisdom into my soul. I miss dancing in the rain, the mud beneath my feet, the thunder pounding in my blood.
Answers are not forthcoming. These questions will wear themselves out in the sound and the fury of confusion, depression, and emptiness. Where will I be when the calm comes? There is always another side, a calm to match the storm. This time, how many souls will lie by the wayside, broken on the rocky shores of my madness, my unbalanced life? Will mine be one of them at last?
I wrote this earlier today, when I was depressed and haunted by dreams and sleeplessness. I am, as par for the course with me, in a different mood at this time, although it's all true anyway. I miss my home. If I could just jump into the smooth waters of the Caribbean, it would all be ok...
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2 comments:
I wish I knew what you were going through. Alas, it has been a long time since I've heard from you and I know very little about your current situation.
I was very happy to see your comment on my blog. It's great to hear from you. If only you'd use your email account :P ha ha.
Nikki says "hi" back, and smiles :D. We miss you guys, as we still really haven't made friends here. In the meantime I try to keep up with my blog, and Nikki does too. You'll notice her name on it as well.
If you're ever up for a vacation, you're always welcome at our place ^_^.
the water here is warm, but not quite the caribbian (my shpelling is howwible), as long as you don't mind the huge crowds in the summer (come in may before it gets outtacontrol). so if ya ever miss the water, definately call/write us and say, 'Yo!!'
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