"How many lives do you lead?" asks Bobby, a friend of mine since highschool.
How many lives do I lead? Perhaps the honest answer to that question is 1. And I value honesty above most everything else in life. But I would not say that the life I live is lived in an honest fashion. I myself am an honest person, and endeavor to lie as little as possible in this life. My life however is built around concealment. It is subversive, you might say. I simply do not reveal everything that exists, and the degree of said concealment depends on the situation.
And so the answer, the mean true answer, is many. I lead many lives, perhaps as many as there are hours in the day. I am used to this, this consistent fragmentation, and I am fairly skilled at keeping the balance. Lately though, I am lost. External influences have affected me in ways I can't control. My balanced hidden life is no longer balanced in any way, shape, or form. My moods are out of control, and I repeatedly come to the edge of that vast emptiness that threatens to consume me. I am lost truly if i fall into that chasm and I freeze in fear when it confronts me.
I am plagued with dreams that are not my norm. I sweat and toss at night, lost in desire for a man that is not my boyfriend. I am outside the realm of my experience, and I am drowning in confusion. I am so far gone I can not even reach my grounding self, my goddess self. I can't even feel the seasons of the earth. I only see the death and the icy grasp of winter, and wish it were summer. If only I could stand outside and feel the sunshine beat earthly wisdom into my soul. I miss dancing in the rain, the mud beneath my feet, the thunder pounding in my blood.
Answers are not forthcoming. These questions will wear themselves out in the sound and the fury of confusion, depression, and emptiness. Where will I be when the calm comes? There is always another side, a calm to match the storm. This time, how many souls will lie by the wayside, broken on the rocky shores of my madness, my unbalanced life? Will mine be one of them at last?
I wrote this earlier today, when I was depressed and haunted by dreams and sleeplessness. I am, as par for the course with me, in a different mood at this time, although it's all true anyway. I miss my home. If I could just jump into the smooth waters of the Caribbean, it would all be ok...
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I see your blog is as big as mine...
Ah, the world of blogging on the intarweb. That delicate balance between not being candid enough, and being TOO honest. Can I walk that fine line between dry informality and the dark horrors of my inner self? Can I snare the mildly interested without making them run away in terror? Maybe. Would it be interesting to see someone run away from a blog (MY blog, most importantly) in terror? ... Maybe.
Wellllll, since I'm here, I should probably introduce myself.
Hi, I'm Sarah. That's a boring name though, so you can call me whatever you want to. I am partial to Jehnua, my favorite game handle, but really, you can call me anything you want to, so long as it's not terribly boring. Rule of thumb is, if it's MORE boring than Sarah, it's not acceptable.
A few things about me, NOT in order of importance:
-I'm really bad with punctuation, so expect it to disintegrate shortly. Who needs capitalization and periods, really?
-I like bad pick up lines, cats, books, and hugs. Any of those is a quick path to my heart. Do not abuse them, or I'll have to kill you, or edit this post. Up to you which outcome is worse.
-I currently work two retail jobs. This is widely regarded by everyone as a very stupid decision. I whole-heartedly agree.
-I'm going to have the bestest wedding in the whole wide world!!!!!!!!....soon as i find a groom.
-I say "heart" in actual conversation to describe loving something. No joke, this really happens.
Enough of that! Seriously, I lost my journal in moving. I moved around the corner, and lost something, because i'm very talented. I'm sure it's in a box somewhere, but there's a lot of boxes, and then i'd have to find a pen, so i decided this would be all-in-all easier for me. Sooo, this is going to take its place for the meantime. I suck at making regular visits to the intarweb though, so this won't last long, i'm sure. One last word of warning: If you expect this to make any sense, don't waste your time. I can promise you, sense is not something i'm renowned for making well, or at all, for that matter.
Onward, to my most recent rant. I hate the english language. It's stupid, and poorly put together, and I think we should revamp it. Go through it all bit by bit and kick out all the stupid grammar and spelling rules, for one. I before E except after C? why's there gotta be an exception? Just make it a RULE and be done with it, dammit! Really, have you ever looked at a grammar book? WTF is an intransitive verb? did you even KNOW that there's just plain transitive verbs? what happened to the verbs of our childhood, the innocence of our speech? And why must there be a gazillion (good number, btw) contributors to our language? Was that REALLY necessary? So the germanic peoples contributed to our peoples at some point in the past. Did they have to add their crazy words to our language?! And who made the decision to take latin words and make them ours. For instance, the other day, i was like "hey, let's look up the words Affluent and Effluent, and see what the difference is!". So i did. and what did i find, you may ask? Stripped to their bare essentials, here's where those words come from. Affluent comes from the latin words "ad" and "fluere". Effluent comes from the lattin words "ex" and "fluere". The difference being, "ad" means to or towards, and "ex" means out of, or from. Fluere means TO FLOW! so here we have Effluent, or "to flow from", and affluent, "to flow towards". IS THIS CRAZINESS NECESSARY?!? Let's just all speak latin, and be done with. The nuances of the latin language are completely lost in modern english. Or, better yet, let's all forget pre-existing languages, and forge a completely new one, free of ancient connotations and nouveau denotations. A clean slate. We'd need a name for this new language. I suggest Fwiggle. But maybe in all fairness we should vote on it. /Shrug.
Ed wants to be in my blog, so I'm going to mention something he does that I hate. He calls me his girl. He is currently upset that i will not retrograde myself and call him "my man". Owning a man sounds like a labor intensive prospect, and it's certainly not something I want to jump into without an owner's manual or something. I don't remember him purchasing me either. Is there a pink slip for me somewhere, hidden in a drawer maybe, under the discarded grocery lists and unused silverware?? I would pay to see the salesman that could convince someone to pay good money for as broken and eccentric a model as me. I must have been half off.
On that note, I'm going to leave now, and try to drain my hot water heat of all it's steaming goodness in one shower. It's fucking cold!!! Where's a warm body when I need one???
Wellllll, since I'm here, I should probably introduce myself.
Hi, I'm Sarah. That's a boring name though, so you can call me whatever you want to. I am partial to Jehnua, my favorite game handle, but really, you can call me anything you want to, so long as it's not terribly boring. Rule of thumb is, if it's MORE boring than Sarah, it's not acceptable.
A few things about me, NOT in order of importance:
-I'm really bad with punctuation, so expect it to disintegrate shortly. Who needs capitalization and periods, really?
-I like bad pick up lines, cats, books, and hugs. Any of those is a quick path to my heart. Do not abuse them, or I'll have to kill you, or edit this post. Up to you which outcome is worse.
-I currently work two retail jobs. This is widely regarded by everyone as a very stupid decision. I whole-heartedly agree.
-I'm going to have the bestest wedding in the whole wide world!!!!!!!!....soon as i find a groom.
-I say "heart" in actual conversation to describe loving something. No joke, this really happens.
Enough of that! Seriously, I lost my journal in moving. I moved around the corner, and lost something, because i'm very talented. I'm sure it's in a box somewhere, but there's a lot of boxes, and then i'd have to find a pen, so i decided this would be all-in-all easier for me. Sooo, this is going to take its place for the meantime. I suck at making regular visits to the intarweb though, so this won't last long, i'm sure. One last word of warning: If you expect this to make any sense, don't waste your time. I can promise you, sense is not something i'm renowned for making well, or at all, for that matter.
Onward, to my most recent rant. I hate the english language. It's stupid, and poorly put together, and I think we should revamp it. Go through it all bit by bit and kick out all the stupid grammar and spelling rules, for one. I before E except after C? why's there gotta be an exception? Just make it a RULE and be done with it, dammit! Really, have you ever looked at a grammar book? WTF is an intransitive verb? did you even KNOW that there's just plain transitive verbs? what happened to the verbs of our childhood, the innocence of our speech? And why must there be a gazillion (good number, btw) contributors to our language? Was that REALLY necessary? So the germanic peoples contributed to our peoples at some point in the past. Did they have to add their crazy words to our language?! And who made the decision to take latin words and make them ours. For instance, the other day, i was like "hey, let's look up the words Affluent and Effluent, and see what the difference is!". So i did. and what did i find, you may ask? Stripped to their bare essentials, here's where those words come from. Affluent comes from the latin words "ad" and "fluere". Effluent comes from the lattin words "ex" and "fluere". The difference being, "ad" means to or towards, and "ex" means out of, or from. Fluere means TO FLOW! so here we have Effluent, or "to flow from", and affluent, "to flow towards". IS THIS CRAZINESS NECESSARY?!? Let's just all speak latin, and be done with. The nuances of the latin language are completely lost in modern english. Or, better yet, let's all forget pre-existing languages, and forge a completely new one, free of ancient connotations and nouveau denotations. A clean slate. We'd need a name for this new language. I suggest Fwiggle. But maybe in all fairness we should vote on it. /Shrug.
Ed wants to be in my blog, so I'm going to mention something he does that I hate. He calls me his girl. He is currently upset that i will not retrograde myself and call him "my man". Owning a man sounds like a labor intensive prospect, and it's certainly not something I want to jump into without an owner's manual or something. I don't remember him purchasing me either. Is there a pink slip for me somewhere, hidden in a drawer maybe, under the discarded grocery lists and unused silverware?? I would pay to see the salesman that could convince someone to pay good money for as broken and eccentric a model as me. I must have been half off.
On that note, I'm going to leave now, and try to drain my hot water heat of all it's steaming goodness in one shower. It's fucking cold!!! Where's a warm body when I need one???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)