Here we go, more writing done while at work. Just before you bother to scroll down, this is not a happy post, per se. This is simply a post, and if you want happy crazy fun time, wait till next time, and save yourself the ... trouble? wasted time? i dunno where that sentence was going. but, consider yourself duly warned of something dire!
And, go go real post:
Here I am, 22, unmatched, unmarried, a college dropout, childless, and ultimately alone. I have been abused, abandoned, beaten, deceived, cheated, lied to, stolen from, used, and tossed aside. I have trusted too much, and trusted too little. I have loved with every bit of myself; I have loved until I had nothing to offer, and I have loved more.
I regret that I have not been stronger in the past, and that I am not stronger now. With a mind as twisted and tortured as mine, I do my best to live as well as I can. Ruled by emotions, spurred to action by curious twists of fate, I walk the line between my personal madness and the real world.
I chose this life, and I know this. Everything that occurs is a result of my actions, but more concretely, I chose this door. In the throes of a life-stealing fever, I was given a choice: clean cold happy monotony, bitter and muted death, or this life of extremes. I chose this door myself, and though i bemoan my life at times, it is a grand rollercoaster of an adventure, and given the choice again, I would not change my decision.
I wish that I had not ordered the death of my child. Of all my regrets, that is the most poignant. My life would not be the same, but I would be a mother, and that is something I crave with every ounce of my being. One day I will be a mother truly, but the ghost of the child I lost will never leave me, and the black spot on my soul will never come clean.
This is my tribute to myself and to my Divinity and to the world at large; these meager words, a declaration of who I am. I am a broken creature, but I say I am broken in a whole way. If no one can love me for all of my pieces, I can still love them.
And....that's the end of that. Before i go to sleep, a few last minute things:
-hugs for matt and jen
-i'm apparently being stalked by my imaginary sister at work
Sweet dreams.
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3 comments:
Perhaps it is this time of year that wakes in us the desire of companionship, of family, and of friends.
I somewhat regret that we did not become better friends. I had hoped that maybe you and Nikki would hit it off, because it has been harder on her moving out here and not having friends. I had hoped to be a better friend to you as well.
Though I suppose I'll have to remain content with the fact that I drove you home a bunch of time, and we made that "red Link" outfit :P.
More than just because of this time of year, I still miss all of you at GS. Rest assured, however, this isn't the last you've seen of me...
that link outfit was so awesome....
Yes. Yes it was. I wish we had a picture...
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