I've had worse weeks, but not by much.

It's true. This week categorically sucks. Per the usual, I've got nobody to talk to about it, so like a fool I'm gonna write about it on my blog, of all damn places. Suffice it to say, I could do with my Prince/ss Charming arriving any minute, and whisking me away into a life that isn't nearly so shitty. I feel like I've given a lot, and received very little. And I guess I'm just a selfish bitch, but dammit, something in exchange would be nice. When I was younger, I'd wash the dishes, and Mom would come home and yell at me for not vacuuming the floor. I'd say "but i washed the dishes!" and she'd say "and what, you expect a medal for it or something?" Well no, but I at least expected not to get yelled at about the fact that I didn't do something else. I do a lot for people. I really do, or I try to. But then I get yelled at for not doing something else! Like everything I did earlier was pointless, or worse, not good enough. Why should I bother then, why do anything at all? And because I'm a glutton for punishment, it always comes back to this: I feel like it's the right thing to do, and I like doing stuff for people! I like caring. I just wish it was reciprocal.

Good things happen to good people. That's fantastic. The world should always work that way, and since it doesn't, it's even more fantastic when it happens. But hell, maybe this makes me a bad person, but sometimes I have to tell myself not to be bitter. I don't begrudge the good people their good things. But I'd like good things too, sometimes. Of course, since I'm a bad person for feeling bitter, I guess I don't deserve good things. Vicious cycle.

I asked a friend if he would make different decisions if he started life over again. He said he would. I don't know if I would or not. There's a few things I can think of, but, overall it all played out how it was meant to play out. Even starting over, I'd still be me. The person I am makes bad decisions.

How can I want things I've never had? Maybe I read too much. Plus, I was raised on Disney movies. That's probably a huge cause there. Although, I really like the Disney movies, and maybe that's a problem too. I am quite fond of the idea of "true love", and happy endings, and inner beauty. That seems like a good way for things to be. I'm a hopeless, incorrigible, something. I don't know what, but something. Whiny, stupid bitch, maybe.

Ed thinks because I'm depressed it means I begrudge other people what they have. That's not true. I'm glad that Shaun and his wife love each other so much, and that they're having a second kid. I'm also sad I don't have the same thing. I'm not saying I want to take it from them, I just wish I could be in that sort of life too. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't be happy with what I have.

I think the problem with no longer being suicidal is that I don't have a way out anymore. Yes, I could die, but am I going to? No. And because of that, I'm trapped here, no matter how bad it gets. And chances are, if it does get good, I'll die then, because fate has it out for me. Sometimes I think I should have just done it earlier, then I wouldn't be here now feeling like shit.

Maybe it's time for me to turn into a zombie again and start taking antidepressants, again. I hate those fucking things, but maybe it would be a nice break.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something."