I want to thank all the people who have offered to listen if I needed to talk about the Ed situation. Chances are I won't take you up on the offer if you're asking, since chances are you're friends with both of us. But, the thought is appreciated, very very much. I am trying to do the honorable thing, and not put anyone in a situation where they feel like they have to choose sides. So, thanks for putting your shoulder out there for me to cry on. It'll stay dry, I promise.
In other news, my dreams are back. It was a nice reprieve, but apparently nothing to get used to. A few nights ago, I had a very detailed dream about someone killing my newborn daughter while I watched helplessly. That one lost me about half a night's worth of good sleep. If I had a dream deity, I'd thank them in a very sarcastic manner. Last night, I enjoyed a very long and involved episode in which my sister (which I don't have, by the way) was deemed psychotic, and so abducted by "doctors" who were going to give her "therapy". They imprisoned her in an underground pit, and tortured her mercilessly. She escaped several times, but each time, they reclaimed her and dragged her back down to hell. And I knew, and nobody else would believe me. I kept trying to rescue her, but they always got her back, and they wouldn't hurt me or let me join her or take her place. All I wanted was for her to be safe.
I could do without my dreams.
When I was in college, my best friend tried to kill herself. She was in another city, and although I called the police who took her to the hospital, I wasn't there in time to help her myself. To atone for the guilt I felt at my absence, I decided to clean the evidence of her attempt out of her apartment so she wouldn't have to do it when she was released. It was a lot of blood, and I will never forget it. The nightmares started after that, and they have never gone away. I do not believe in divine retribution, and even if I did, I do not believe any divinity would punish me so much for being late. It seems I have done a very good job of punishing myself, for whatever imagined transgressions I've committed.
Bad things happen, in abundance. Horrible terrible things, counterparts to all the beautiful wonderful things that make up life. In the end, I think the major damage is done by ourselves, though. The bad things happen, and we choose how they effect us. I make bad choices, with good intentions. The bad things bruise me and scar me, more than they should. Long after the pain is gone, the scars and bruises remain. Has my life really been so different, so much worse, than anyone else's? Probably not, in the end.
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5 comments:
you could always try a stranger.
I've got a digital shoulder to cry on if you're looking to talk... I of course, am back online after a bit of a break.
As for the lovely dreams, I believe you have the power to overcome them. I too was once frequented by nightly haunts, and I discovered that if I told myself that I could stop them, and believed it, I started to gain more and more power within my dreams. Now I spend 7 nights a week saving the world ;-)
Long time no talk, don't be a stranger.
-JPERK100
Do you have a cool outfit? With tights??? and...and a cape?
I went through a time where I had these intense dreams that weren't scary at all if you explained them to a normal stranger, but I would wake up in a panic, screaming and scrambling out of the bed. I'd usually wind up cutting myself somehow too, either on the edge of a table, or with my own fingernails as I tore out of the bed. Those lasted about a month, I really sympathize with you. It was no fun. Do you have them every night? I think they make medicine to help people with that kind of problem.
I always wear tights and keep a cape handy... Is that not normal?
-JPERK100
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